The Blue Things*

by Ritzy Ritzhaupt

*A bit spicy for young ones.

The old man stood as erect as his body would allow, which made him rock back on his heels, to see the pharmacists from under the brim of his hat. He moved closer to him.

“Hey Doc,” he said, in what he assumed to be a whisper, but in reality, could be heard by the folks parking their cars in the lot next to the drugstore.

“Where are those pecker erector pills? You know those little blue things?” Doc was dumfounded by Frank’s question.

“How old are you?” Doc asked, as he looked him in the eye, beneath the brim of Frank’s stained cowboy hat.

Why the heck you need to know my age… I’m legal, he thought.  His gray hair showed as he moved his hat to scratch his head.

“I’m only 91 and going strong. See!” Frank said as he stuck his pumped up arm muscle in front of the Doc, just to show him how fit he truly was. Well feel it fool. You can see I’m fit and I’m able, why you questioning my age? He wanted to yell at Doc.

“And if I have anything to do with it, we’re going to keep you going strong.” The Doc replied, gently placing his hand on Franks shoulder giving him a quick, pal pat.

“But, but.” Frank sputtered as his cheeks turned bright red.

“No little blue pills for you, sir.” Doc said in his most authoritative voice. Old man, give it up already. Your 91 for god sake, enough is enough. It’ll make your heart beat too fast and you’ll die. Just who is leading this man on? He thought to himself.

            Frank started to move towards Doc.

“No!” Doc said, more firmly this time, I’m not going to put up with this. There’s no way I’m going to play a part in your demise, he thought. Doc slowly put his arm around Frank and ushered him to the front door.

Frank pulled the brim of his hat down to cover the heat that flamed his cheeks, as he exited the drugstore. Frank continued to drive as he turned the anger over in his gut. Now what? He puzzled as he drove down the old two-lane highway. The last he looked, it was older than he was and it was still able to carry those new fangled cars and trucks.

“I’m still a man,” He yelled to the emptiness rolling his window down to shout to the trees as he passed. Frank knew only one thing that would set him straight and make him feel better. Yup, I’ll go to my favorite watering hole. He just knew his pals would know how to help. Yup, sure enough, they’d know what to do. He immediately felt better knowing they’d gather around. Maybe one of his pals already used those blue pills and he’d be able to get his hands on some.

Frank slid the gearshift into park. One look at the familiar old building gave him a quicker step. Surely he’d find an answer here, he reassured himself.

Upon entering, Cindy, the well stacked and bouncy, bartender gave him her attention. He nodded, which gave her the order to fill a frosty glass with his favorite brew. All smiles, the curly headed, blonde swished her hair from side to side as she greeted Frank. You would have thought he’d been gone for weeks. In reality, it was only yesterday that he’d stopped by. He felt truly welcomed as he pulled up his usual stool and adjusted himself with one foot on the bar rail and the other on the stool.

“Sit yourself down and tell us what you’ve been up to today,” Cindy said.

Frank gazed around the bar to see who was ready to assist him with his plight.

The regular, early afternoon, customers, were in attendance and waiting for something they could latch onto. They were ready to share their knowledge with everybody on any and everything.  Frank knew he wouldn’t have a better chance than now. He looked, there were no children in the dining area so he could let it rip, but still he lowered his voice.

“You know those pecker erector pills they’ve got?” He went on to tell the story, word for word, as he himself had witnessed the whole thing. Nope, no embarrassment just honest to god words.

Oh, I was thinking I’d share my stash but geez, I’d better not. Thought Murphy, the first pal to Frank’s right.

Oh, my, what I could do with a number of those… woooeee, thought a well-bearded gent with the strong aroma of kerosene permeating his clothes. The bunched up men increased as they pulled closer discussing the secret of the blue pills.

Cindy was a smart bartender. She knew when to fade into the background. She excused herself to catch a quick puff. She exited to the outside by the side door and entered the beer garden taking deep drags in hopes they would change the topic before she re-entered the bar.

The discussion inside by the men ended in a useless heap. No one knew what else could possibly provide the needed stimulant for their purpose. They turned to their brews and slowly back to the game on the TV’s. Still the question remained. What was a guy with the will and the stamina to do? Geez, there has to be something? They were all thinking in unison, maybe the gods were listening but it was just then Tillson entered the bar.

He has the shiniest black hair and killer dimples that send the girls all a giggle. He is called Till by most. Cindy often wondered if, it’s because he had tilled so many strange ladies fields. Oh, yes, he’s known for being that bad… without a woman he is nothing. Cindy had no trouble putting a man in the proper category. Tillson was marked, warn all women unless, they only wanted a simple energy boost for the day.

The men all exited as one to the beer garden, taking it over. It was a cool day but the men were without jackets. They were all chattering like a bunch of old women. Cindy couldn’t exit fast enough.

Tillson was at his normal spot waiting for her to serve him his favorite brew. Cindy knew everyone’s prefered drink. She had learned over time, to wait for the order, especially if they seemed a little off kilter. It only took the rise of one eyebrow to make the order. She placed the lime in the bottle of Tillson’s beer, giving it a shove guiding it into his waiting hands. She quickly picked up the empties and wiped down the well worn bar.

“What’s the latest?” Tillson asked her.

“Ask the fellows, I was outside,” she replied as she shrugged.  Where can I hide? I’ve got to hear this. Cindy gathered her jelly supplies and sat down at each table as she appeared busy refilling the condiment holders.  She meticulously straightened and sorted each stack of jellies and wiped each holder. From her position she was ready to listen intently as she slowly moved around the dining area. 

The group of men sauntered casually back into the bar bringing the smells of tobacco with them as they bunched up once again to figure out the problem. It only took Tillson a moment to get the jest of what the conversation involved.

“Boy’s you’ve got it all wrong,” Tillson said in his most authoritative voice. I’m not at all sure I want to share my secret with this motley crew, he thought. Once he started he had to continue.  These guys remind me of the last time I dangled a diamond in a woman’s face. Geez, they’re needy. I’m not giving them my whole formula. They’ll have to figure that out for themselves.

“First off, don’t ever use those damn blue pills. They’ll kill you,” Tillson said.

“What a’ you mean? I use them all the time?” Murphy sputtered, he smiled, as he remembered last night.

“Man they cause heart attacks! Stay away from that crap,” Tillson announced, which wiped the grin right off Murphy’s face.

They were all listening, hanging on every word he spoke.

Till lowered his voice bringing them all a little closer. He looked at the group and said, “Listen, it’s so simple. You only need some St John’s Wort, one or two maybe at the most, three capsules a day. Plus, some cayenne pepper pills.”

Everyone looked at him in stunned silence, they tried to comprehend what his words meant.

Murphy said, “You mean it’s that easy?”

The radiant Lola had entered the bar, while Tillson instructed the men in his long held secret.

Till lifted his head to see his gal, as a whiff of her scent reached his nostrils. His dimples deepened, giving him a killer smile.

The men all thought the same thing at exactly the same moment, Damn she’s hot! The heat she radiated seemed to singe, each male as she passed them, on her quest for her man.

“Hey hon, do you think St John’s Wort and Cayenne Pepper work for erectile dysfunction? Till asked in a flat tone without expression.

            Lola saddled up to Till’s back and slid her hand down to his buns where she gave him a firm pat and a squeeze. “Oh, baby,” she smilingly said in her most seductive voice, as her grin spread and she glowed in response to his question.

Frank had the important information he needed as he headed out the door with a wave and a chuckle, as he started on his way to locate St. John’s Wort and Cheyenne Pepper pills.

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